I think most people tend to think that I'm easy going. And most of the time I am. But I do notice things and although I might not say something at the time, I do remember. You could say they go on my secret grudge list. I shouldn't keep a secret grudge list because when it gets full up I go mad. And the poor person on the receiving end has no idea why. To be fair to myself this happens very rarely. Yes you guessed it - I blew a friendship out of the water today.
In my last job i made really good friends with the girls I worked with. When I left I was confident we'd still be friends. But there was a lot of little things - I felt if I didn't make the effort to see them- popping up on their floor, inviting them to lunch - I didn't see them. Of course I should have mentioned this, but it went on my secret grudge list. They were invited to my parents' party. One girl couldn't go because she had an operation (I'm not totally mad - I'll accept a sick note) the other said she may come if she didn't have plans. She didn't let me know if she was coming, she just didn't turn up. That hurt my feelings - but I didn't say anything - it just went on the secret grudge list. And I also made excuses - they're busy etc. I invited them to my leaving do, fully expecting they would come. They said they would - but now plans have changed for them - they can met me for lunch but can't go out next Friday. One of the girls was having a friend over Friday or Saturday. As you can imagine that went straight to the top of my secret grudge list. At first I agreed to go to lunch - but inside I was stewing. I hate going out work lunch time as I can't relax, having one eye on the clock. I sent them an email saying I couldn't make lunch. They suggested another day - and that's when I lost it. (I thought, come on - I'm leaving Southend to go to London - this is a big deal for me.its not like I'm just going to work on a different floor.) My words weren't horrible but my tone was. I handled it badly and I was really upset.
I pretty much think the friendship is over. They made it pretty obvious they don't want to spend an evening with me and I made it pretty obvious where they can stick it. I suppose you could argue that the friendship had really been quietly dying for some time. But I wish I had told them the things that were bothering me. At least they would have known. Instead they thought everything was okay, I'd be all right about being blown out and they got a shock when I growled. When I growl like that I shock myself. So that it what I going to salvage from this - no more keeping secret grudge lists. They don't work.
5 comments:
Oh how do I say this and you not have a grudge with me?!?!? ;-)
Let me start by saying my wife and mother agree with me on this so I have a few of the opposite sex that support me.
Women internalize, men vocalize. Now that's a broad sweeping generalization but, it tends to explain things quite well.
When one women "wrongs" another, and in most cases, nothing is ever said. Some forget, others hold grudges. Both of these lead to blow ups over the small stuff that has built up.
Men on the other hand will just haul off and insult the other guy, "Hey what the -bleep- did you do or say that for? What kind of idiot are you?" The air is cleaned, everything is out in the open and things get resolved. I.e. if the guy keeps doing the same thing, you bail, if you can handle it, you continue to hang out with the guy.
IMHO, women worry more about everyone else's feelings while men , to put it bluntly, only care about themself.
So there you have it, grudge material. ;-)
Mark - I agree with you -that's what I was trying to say (in a long winder manner) you need to tell people if they have up set you. Otherwise it builds up and gets a bit messy.
So don't worry -ihaven't got a grudge against you ;0)
Hey, I have a grudge list too! I don't usually say something, cos I think "ah it's no biggie really, and you're just going to sound petty", but then something else comes along, and then I think "grrr" and then it always seems too late to bring up the first thing, and then too picky to bring up the second thing... til eventually I just think I can't say anything at all, or else I'd be starting every sentence with "and another thing..." and the other person would just be covered in molten lava while my volcano erupts!!!!
Mental note - make sure I say something, as long as it's at the RIGHT TIME, for the RIGHT REASON and aimed at the RIGHT PERSON. My three R check!
x
Just don't carry a full grudge list and an axe at the same time, that could get you into real bother!
email said ex friend your post (the blog not your gas bill) and see what reaction you get, you never know you could be laughing about it over a glass of wine before too long.
~cuttsy~
Reading your blog for several months. This time I could feel you were really upset.When I was young there is no gray zone about my friendship.Only two options,Black or white? Yes or no?But now the time and age let me know little by little the middle-of-the-road policy (中庸之道)of the Chinese Confucianists thinking. It's hard to do it. I am still learning.
Anyway I hope you feel better now.
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