Childfree to childless to childfree-ish

When I was little - I think I must have been about 8, Dad was talking about when Angela and I grew up. If we'd get married, what sort of jobs we'd have; that sort of thing. I remember shocking him by saying; " I suppose marriage is ok if you don't have kids." And to be honest that was my view point for the next 25 years.
I think there were a number of reasons I felt that way. Both Mum and Dad come from large families and as a new cousin seem to pop up annually. From a young age I saw what hard work babies are. I never had a romanticised view of what having a baby meant, and reader, this was before the days of the disposable nappy. The smell- yuk! Also my parents were big babies themselves when they had me and I remember Dad storming out a few times and thinking he could only do that because he knew Mum wouldn't. She would stay and look after us. That left a big impression on me.(Poor dad he probably only did it the once and was probably gone for about an hour - but I'm remembering this from a child's point of view.)
As I got older my feelings didn't change, I'd secretly feel a bit sorry for friends that became pregnant. Working with Mums who declared that they came to work "for a break" didn't change my mind either. When I was about 26 and in a boyfriendless state I did start to worry about being single, childless and alone for the rest of my natural life, but that feeling didn't last too long. I met Steve when I was 28 and got married at 30, still not feeling broody.
Then 2 things happened. The first was that my sister had kids and I just fell in love with the little dudes. The baby stage was still hard work and scary (they might die!) but it seemed worth it. Also as they got older it seemed ot get better and easier. Of course endless games of hide and seek are boring and I'd like to kill the person responsible for the Powder Puff Girls and a filled potty is a truly disgusting thing - but for the first time I could see myself doing this. I didn't want a baby I wanted a family.
The second thing was that we moved to a 3 bedroomed house. I think there is an urge to fill the bedrooms up.
So we decided to go for it. Unfortunately we couldn't do it the old fashioned way (well we could have done - but there is a genetic condition that meant the odds of having a diabled child was high- but there is a whole different subject for a blog.) So we entered the world of assisted conception. One day I'll write about that, but it was a very difficult thing and after 3 attempts I didn't get pregnant. For the first time in my life I'd really wanted something, did my best to get it and failed. I became depressed, which meant for me I was bawling or walking around with a dry eyed hollow stare. After a lot of resistance I finally agreed to take anti depressants. They did help in that they stopped me obesseively thinking (I smell, Steve will leave me, everyone hates me, I let the baby down) but they're weren't a magic wand. People suggested adoption, but I was scared that if we got turned down I would kill myself. I got therapy through work and that did help. Over 2 years I had three cycles of therapy. I believe that and the support I got from friends and family helped. I gradually began to see that I could have a meaningfull life without children.
Where am I now? Well seeing babies can still upset me (although not all the time, so that's an improvement)I think Steve and I are a stronger unit because of what we have been through together. I admire the way he stuck with me, as there were lots of time I couldn't bear being with me. I value what I have got rather than pining for a what I haven't. And sometimes, dear reader, I think I may have had a lucky escape.